


"I'm The Same As You"

by Emrys_Llyr



Category: Xenoblade Chronicles 2 (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Multi, Past Character Death, Past Child Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-20
Updated: 2019-09-21
Packaged: 2020-10-24 22:50:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 13,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20713835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emrys_Llyr/pseuds/Emrys_Llyr
Summary: Malos looked shaken. He thoughtfully re-buckled his breast plate. Both blades seem lost in their own thoughts. The rain of last night continues to drum against the window.Jin looks up. “Why am I here Malos?”





	1. Chapter 1

Jin took his hand.  
  
The tall blade, who’d said he was Malos, helped him to his feet but Jin, stiff from sitting in the rain, missed his footing and weakly fell against him. “I guess I’ll have to help you”. The dark haired man took Jin’s arm over his shoulder and guided him along the alleyway as the rain beat down.

  
In a room at the inn Jin was helped to the bed, and the stinking soaking cloak he’d been wearing was replaced with a blanket. Jin felt the man lie down on the bed beside him but he simply didn’t care. He was just so tired.

  
The night was disrupted when Jin was overcome with sickness and pain, he shook so violently he woke the man next to him.

A gruff voice, “Your ether is chaotic, it’s going to damage you permanently if you don’t release it.”

Jin shivers, “I don’t know how, I can’t get it to flow properly.”

A strong hand grips his shoulder to hold him steady and a darkly glowing miasma appears in front of Jin’s eyes in the man’s outstretched hand. Jin feels a faint presence in his mind, something he’d not felt since Lora had died. He turns away, not wanting the contact. The grip becomes insistent, “Don’t fight me, let me help you.” Jin reluctantly turns back and looks at the glow, as he does, the shaking and pain start to ease and he lets it go, grateful for the release.

“That’ll hold you for a while. Get some rest.” Jin lets his head fall back and unconsciousness takes him.

_Now that I am not in any danger of returning to my core I don’t know why I continue to write in this journal. _

_I have lost count of the days since she died. Everything was so confused. After I regained control, the bodies of Indoline soldiers were strewn about me. I don’t recall how I killed them. I took her body, so that Amalthus wouldn’t find her. I entombed her in ice and hid her. I was shocked how cold I could make the ice, much colder than before. I filled the whole cave with it. It should stay frozen for over a year. The temptation to freeze myself in with her was almost overwhelming. The only thing that stopped me was the fear that I would remain conscious._

_My arts have changed beyond recognition. They frighten me. I can’t survive a merc until I learn how to use them, if I can use them, but ever since that day, my ether flow has been badly disrupted. I can’t discharge it properly. I know it’s making me ill._

_I have been entirely unprepared for the grief strewn emptiness of what my life has become. I made your last moment one of pain for my own selfishness._

_You died in agony for nothing Lora._

  
The smell of Ardain tea was the first thing he became aware of as he woke. Jin suddenly remembered he’d been taken in by Malos. His eyes flew open in panic and yes, the actual Malos was sitting on the edge of the bed apparently offering him tea. Jin paused for a moment and noticed his katana was propped within reach against the wall. So he hadn’t been disarmed then.

Jin took the tea.

“Erm, thanks?” The tea was fiery and fragrant. It had been days since Jin had had a hot drink, or food for that matter.

“There’s some food on the table when you are ready, but I doubt it will be up to your standards?”.

“My standards?”

Malos chuckled, “Who’d have thought that one of the things people remember about the Paragon of Torna is that he knew how to cook!”

Jin almost spilled the tea. “You’ve heard of me?”

“Of course, and,” Malos sighs, “you’ve heard of me, and I know that we fought, although my…memories of that time are fragmented.”

“We fought head to head Malos.”

“We did? I just remember the group of you - and her of course."

“Mythra”, Jin sighed. He sat up properly. “So you were looking for me?”

“Not at all, since I had assumed that you and your driver were dead along with every one else. But I can see from the state of you it’s just the driver who’s dead”.

A combination of grief and shame overtakes Jin and he drops his head to hide how much the brutal words tear at him. At the same time he instinctively raises his hand to cover the shockingly coloured core crystal in his forehead. The heart in him pounds. Should he run? He’s just so tired. “I thought Mythra had killed you?”

Malos grimaces. “She almost did. When I regained consciousness, I was lying on a piece of debris floating in the Cloud Sea. I got picked up by some salvagers who had turned rescuers. They assumed I was a Tornan refugee and took me to a camp on Indol. I found my ‘darling driver’, Malos mouth sets into a sneer, “who it would seem has no use for me now, but gave me gold on the condition that I disappear. Rumours of my survival would have interfered greatly with his plans."

“I know your driver is Amalthus”. Jin spits out the name. “But why did you agree? Surely with your power…?”

A great sigh comes as Malos gets off the bed and moves to the chair by the table. Holding Jin’s gaze, he unbuckled the breast plate of his cuirass and let it fall open, revealing a purple glint of fragmented crystal. Jin gasped. A third of it was missing and the rest looked as it it would fall into pieces at any moment. How was he still alive? Jin put his tea down, swung his legs from the bed and came to look more closely. Then he stopped, hesitant, suddenly unsure.

“I won’t hurt you. I can’t even manifest my sword”. Malos looks bitterly at the floor.

Jin gently reaches out a finger and touches the crystal. Malos flinches, raises a hand and then thinks better of it, letting it fall. For some reason this seems to be as good a way as any to earn some trust from Jin.

Jin gently felt along the fractured edge. Despite its crazed appearance it appeared to be solid. “Does it hurt?”

“Not physically. I feel disturbances in my thinking. Like part of me is…missing. I don’t feel my driver very much at all now. After my crystal broke, the bond, such as it was, considerably weakened. His imprint is still there, after all he woke me when he resonated with me, but his intentions, I don’t feel them so strongly now. At least I think not, I hope not.”

Jin sits back on the bed and nervously combs his silver fringe, wondering about this man who not long ago was his enemy.

“Are you telling me that it was Amalthus who was driving the destruction?”.

Malos grin is reptilian. “Oh it was both of us, separately and together. He was desperate for it, I was simply abandoning myself to my preordained purpose - the architect made me a weapon and my driver wielded me.” He leaned forward and looked directly at Jin. “And I fucking enjoyed it. What blade doesn’t love to fulfil their design and the desire of their driver?”. The dark blades twists his mouth into a sneer.

Jin pushed himself back away from the threatening presence. Consternation clouding his face. Everything inside him was telling him get the hell away from Malos but something about his…honesty was devastating.

“Aren’t all blades made this way - living weapons programmed to take actual pleasure in serving our drivers, surely it was the same for you?”

Jin shakes his head. “I never felt like I was a weapon”. A deep breath. “I resonated with a child.”

Malos sits up suddenly. “I don’t remember any child.”

“Well obviously she grew up”

For the first time since they met, Malos’s supercilious demeanour is replaced with genuine interest. Jin finds himself talking about Lora. Of how he was accidentally woken by the 10 year old girl, who was immediately attacked by her stepfather for resonating with Jin’s crystal - intending to kill her so that Jin would return to his core. How Jin severed the dagger-wielding arm with his katana, and then took the child and ran. How they had spent years on the run while he essentially brought Lora up. How they freelanced as mercs just enough to get money to live by but not too much to become particularly well known. How they were recruited by Addam to help serve in the Aegis war.

The words tumble out of Jin, he’s rarely spoken about this, and certainly not since after… He pauses.

“You loved each other?” Malos expression is incredulous. Jin detects envy flashing across the grey eyes.

“Yes.” Jin stared at his hands. “She was a sister, a daughter to me. I perhaps a brother, even a father to her. I don’t deny that we had the bond of blade and driver woven into each other but the connection we shared, if it can be deeper than that - then it was.”

Jin felt a wave of grief, and became silent.

Malos looked shaken. He thoughtfully re-buckled his breast plate. Both blades seem lost in their own thoughts. The rain of last night continues to drum against the window.

Jin looks up. “Why am I here Malos?”

“I need a blade." Jin snorts in derision.

“Yeah, yeah I know, the irony of me picking up someone who faced me is not lost on me. How was I to know that when I finally found a flesh eater it was going to be you?”

Jin feels like he’s been punched in the gut. He still doesn’t recognise this universally feared name belongs to him now. “What do you know about flesh eaters?”

“Amalthus was a dedicated researcher, I know more than I could ever wish to. Depraved individual. I think you met another of his blades - Minoth?”

Jin nods in recognition. Minoth had been envious of the bond between Lora and himself. He remembered Minoth’s sometime hungry look directed at them through camp firelight. At the time, the idea that someone could abandon a blade was shocking, even more so after _forcing_ them to be a flesh eater. If Jin hadn’t met Minoth, would he have even dared…?

“So who did this to you Jin?”

Something fatalistic in Jin makes him pick at the buckles of his own breast plate, which he removes. Parting his clothes to reveal the scarred rent across his chest, and parting his fringe to show his blood-red core crystal, he meets Malos’s eyes directly, “I did it to myself.”


	2. All these broken things…

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Perhaps you should stay tonight, or at least let me help you with your ether again.” Malos sat down heavily in the chair. “Ah why did it have to be you Jin?” Malos seemed to have been unprepared Jin’s story. He was nothing like Amalthus. Although Jin was an ice blade, all Malos could perceive from this guarded soul was warmth. Suddenly Jin’s opinion mattered.

Malos looks as Jin in wonder, then reaches across to touch the angry scar tissue. A tear splashes on the back of his hand and Malos snatches it back as if it has been stung.

“Are you in pain?”

“Yes”. Jin closes his eyes.

“What did you do?”

Jin breathes back the tears with a shudder. “We had been attacked by Indol. She was dying. She was terrified that I would forget her. I was determined not to forget her. I asked if I should take her heart. She agreed. She died. I lived...on.” The soft words didn’t speak of the violence of Lora’s death. Their journey had begun with violence all those years ago, and ended with Jin tearing the heart from his beloved’s chest and rending his own body to house it.

“The whole heart?”

“Yes”.

“No wonder your crystal is so red. That mask you wear - is that to hide the colour?”

“Lora made it so I wouldn’t be recognised as the Paragon of Torna. But yes, now it serves.”

Something had happened to Malos during this exchange. Jin’s story was unravelling something and it was obvious that Malos was thrown. The swagger he was clearly in the habit of throwing around was absent.

“Have some food Jin, I’m going to get some fresh air for a bit.”

After Malos had gone, Jin, suddenly feeling more calm than he had in a long time, crossed to the table and settled to eat. The food wasn’t as bad as Malos had made out and unexpectedly welcome. He debated leaving while Malos was gone but something made him stay. Instead he lay back on the bed and stared thoughtlessly at the ceiling, grateful for the absence of memories for once, until he drifted back into sleep.

  
_Oh Lora, I think you would be shocked to find out what I did today. I was so angry and sad to see a blade being abused again and again just because his memory was damaged. His driver prostitutes him to mercs. They seem to like the look of Angel with his pretty face and bright blue wings._

_I try and make sure he eats and keeps warm but he is so vulnerable in the slums here in Mor Ardain. Everyday he forgets my name and every day I tell him. I know I shouldn’t in case Amalthus tracks me down but I can give him so little._

_Angel constantly asks people if they know where his driver is, I was shocked to realise his driver, who ever he is, tells the clients to tell Angel they are taking him to his driver, and of course the poor thing goes willingly. Sometimes I can hear Angel’s cries of pain in a distant alleyway, as some shit takes his pleasure without any regard for Angel’s person. It’s like Angel is condemned to act out, day after day, the tragedy of all blades. To be used. To forget. To be woken willing to serve. In an endless cycle._

_A big merc came leering at him today and I couldn’t bare the thought of Angel being hurt by him. Something inside me snapped, and I intervened. I told Angel it was time to rest and I told the merc that Angel and I took turns. I suppose I was thinking I could knock him out but then as I was walking to the back of the alleyway, I realised that it would only come back on Angel - so I went through with it._

_He used my mouth._

_I thought I would actually choke._

_It’s more money than begging. If I could pay for passage off Mor Ardain for us both, perhaps I could find a way to help him._

  
Jin was roused by Malos returning and the clunk of the door being shut.

“Well, well. You stayed. I thought you might be gone by the time I got back.”

“I thought about it.”

“Why didn’t you leave?” 

“Honestly, because I’m just so fucking tired.”

Malos laughs, but Jin can tell there is relief.

“Just so you understand, I’m not your way to revenge yourself on Amalthus, as much as yours and Lora’s bond can be noted for sincerity, the bond with my driver was never deep and now is as shattered as my crystal. There is certainly no loyalty there. And there was never love.” That last sentence comes out softly. Jin is surprised to see sadness in the man’s face.

“Malos, I’m not the sort of person to see others in terms of how useful they can be to me. I’m grateful you gave me a bed and food, I’m completely bewildered as to why.”

“I told you, I need a blade”.

Jin winces, “I, I can’t be your blade Malos”.

“I’m not asking you for your bond, I need protection, a merc if you will. And I can see you need looking out for too - the state you’re in. I knew if I found a flesh eater, we could pose as blade and driver.”

“That still means that I’d have to learn how to fight with you and lend you my arts, my affinity.” The idea of doing that with another, never mind with this man was unthinkable.

“You didn’t leave did you.”

“I still could”.

“Perhaps you should stay tonight, or at least let me help you with your ether again.” Malos sat down heavily in the chair. “Ah why did it have to be you Jin?” Malos seemed to have been unprepared Jin’s story. He was nothing like Amalthus. Although Jin was an ice blade, all Malos could perceive from this guarded soul was warmth. Suddenly Jin’s opinion mattered.

  
_Angel returned to his core crystal last night._

_He’d been shivering at night, and I was letting him rest his head in my lap. I’d taken to doing that as it seems to be the only time he becomes calm and stops the incessant litany of wondering where his driver is._

_It was so peaceful Lora. He started to shimmer and then it looked like his whole body was made of pure light, and I felt his form become lighter and lighter until it was weightless in my arms, as the particles off lights drifted into the air. All that was left was his blackened core crystal._

_How I wish your death could have been peaceful._

_I fear Angel’s core may never resonate again. I could make out a misalignment in the depths. I wondered if I should bury it but I could not abandon him forever. It was like I had lost you all over again._

_I can’t stop shaking. My ether flow is almost completely blocked and I’m certain it’s messing with my cognition. I forgot to take money from a customer today. Am I walking in Angel’s footsteps? The thought is terrifying - there is no mortal driver’s death to release me._

  
“Who’s Angel?”

Jin starts, “What? How did you?”, pulling his gaze away from the dark mist in Malos’s palm. Malos drops his hand.  
  
“I saw a fragment of memory - I think it linked into the master blade data - so Angel is a blade?”

Jin is disconcerted but then it occurs to him that Malos might know if anything could be done for Angel. He feels around in his belt and retrieves the lifeless core crystal. “This is Angel’s.”

Malos gently takes the black core in hand, takes it over to the window, holding it up to the light and peering at it analytically. “There’s a flaw in here - a deep one.”

“I thought there must be, when he was alive he wan’t able to make new memories. His driver died before I had a chance to help him.” Jin considers, “Exactly how much did you pick up from me when you drained the ether?”

“Oh just fragments.” Jin doesn’t like Malos’s dismisive tone.

Malos passes the crystal back to Jin, “If my crystal wasn’t broken, I might have been able to realign the flaws so that he could resonate again, but right now, there’s nothing I can do for him. If we could find the right technology, maybe…?

Jin takes it, turning it over in his hands, and looks as fractured as the flaw. “All these broken things…after I…damaged my crystal, I found myself completely disorientated. I could barely function. If I ended up in any situation that required combat, my abilities were so altered and over the top that I was drawing attention to myself. So I, well…” He could feel himself flushing. “Instead of selling my blade, I…” He left it hanging.

“Is that when I found you?”

“Yes”

“Did you think I was a customer?”

“No. I don’t know. It wouldn’t have mattered if you had been.”

“Weren’t you scared?”

“I was beyond fear, perhaps I came with you hoping you were death.”

The silence that follows takes on an unexpected weight. Jin lies back on the bed and raises his arm across his eyes so that he doesn’t have to look at Malos. What is wrong with him? Was this some kind of death wish? But it can’t be can it, because Malos isn’t the Aegis anymore. He’s just another damaged blade who’s been abandoned by his driver. Jin feels strangely sorry for him. Perhaps Malos needs him. It’s been a while since Jin felt needed. Something inside Jin starts to come undone.

Jin feels a weight join him on the bed. He doesn’t move. He can almost hear Malos looking at him.

“What’s it like?”

“What is what like?”

“Sex?”

“You’ve not had sex?”

“Not really on the agenda when you’re busy being the Aegis for a lunatic.”

For the first time in months, Jin laughs. The smile feels weird and warm as it breaks across his face. “It depends. From what I can tell, humans experience it as animalistic gratification or it can be an expression of connection.”

“How do you experience it?”

A dozen or more faces appear in Jin’s mind. Most of his encounters had been perfunctory, some had been vile, but a few people had wanted Jin to be part of their pleasure. In those rare moments Jin had taken the embraces gratefully. Hollowed out by grief and pain he remembered that even in the fog of his sickness he’d actively sought out the gentler clients for scraps of comfort in the hell he had fallen into.

“I never felt the need for gratification - I’ve not met many blades who experience sexuality in the way humans do. The only thing I ever felt that strongly was the desire to be as close as I could to my driver. All I wanted was my life with her.”

As Jin speaks that he realises that Malos is utterly inexperienced with connection, and completely stunned that for some reason he is trying to connect with him, Jin. He lowers his arm and looks up into the face of the dark blade above him. A handsome face when it’s not sneering at the world.

“And now?” Malos asked.

“The craving for connection is undiminished, but…” His throat closes up.

“She’s gone.” Malos’s voice is soft and the breath of it is close to Jin’s ear. Jin nods. Tears bead in his eyes, then fall into his hair, diamonds in the silver strands. Like a drowning man grasping onto the nearest branch, Jin reaches up to touch Malos’s face. Fuck it all, he thinks and pulls the dark blade’s mouth to his lips. Malos’s eyes flicker in surprise but then close as he leans in.

  
Jin wakes to the sound of packing. Even though it’s dark now, Jin can see Malos is gathering things in the room.

Earlier the kissing had not given way to sex, all Malos seemed to want to do was gather Jin’s slender form into his arms. Jin had lain there with Malos’s arms around him wondering at the turn of events. Why am I lying with my enemy? Is he my enemy or just as lost as I am?

It had felt safe in Malos’s arms. Something Jin would simply have been incredulous about days earlier. Now that the arms had been removed Jin felt alone again.

“Are you leaving?” Jin pushes himself up.

“Yes, for a couple of days. I have something I need to sort out. You can stay here - I’ve paid for the week. So you don’t have to … worry about funds.”

“Thanks.”, relief evident in Jin’s voice.

“If you posed as my blade you wouldn’t have to do that any more.”

“Can you just drop it?”

“Fine” Malos straightened up. “Oh, just one thing before I go” and the big man advances on Jin. Jin backs away in sudden alarm before he realises that Malos is firing up for an ether discharge. Jin gives in and focuses on the dark mist in Malos’s palm. He feels more pain and tension leave his body. For some reason memories of Mikhail float in front of his eyes. He closes his eyes in grief.

“That should keep you for a couple of days, but this isn’t a long term solution. You need to find a way to regulate your ether flow.” Malos raises his eyebrows sceptically. “Maybe I’ll see you when I get back?

“Maybe.”

“Take care of yourself Jin”. The door closes.

Jin feels suddenly empty. And confused. He crosses to the window and looks at the great shadow of the world tree climbing up into the stars. “So beautiful” he hears himself say. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The dynamic between these two has fascinated me ever since I finished the game and the DLC. We meet them in XC2 in the final flight of their destructive nihilism, but their relationship was evidently based on deep understanding and complete trust. I wanted to really get under the skin of this. Before they radicalised each other, how did this relationship start? I chose an early time line for this story. But I’d like to explore an alternative later one as well at some point.
> 
> I don’t know where Angel came from. He just fell out of my fingers as I typed. I think his core is a poetic way to represent the need for Jin to find future technologies for blades to exist without resonating. He was a lovely way to show that Jin just can not help collecting waifs and strays as he moves through the world. (Torna is a hopelessly romantic name for Jin’s maverick family.)


	3. Three Broken Hearts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You love this one too?” Malos’s voice is disbelieving.
> 
> “Yes”, whispers Jin.
> 
> “He’s been through a lot - but what exactly I’ve not been able to work out. I know he’s passed through Amathus’s hands and escaped. I think you need to prepare yourself Jin.”

The next days Jin feels freer than he has in a while. He uses some of his remaining coins to buy ingredients from the market and makes his own food in the little kitchen at the back of the room. He takes long walks by the harbour. His mind has been so filled with the trauma of losing Lora and the devastating demise of his home, Torna, that to have his head filled with his encounter with Malos is a welcome distraction. He feels the most well that he has felt since he damaged his core. Until Malos had helped with the ether discharge, Jin hadn’t realised quite how much that it was that that was contributing so much mental confusion. He’d just assumed it was entirely grief and the wound.  
  
Jin starts to understand that Malos is as lost as he is. To be Malos’s blade? Could he bear it? And why is Malos being so kind, albeit in a gruff and clumsy way. This was unexpected.  
  
Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Well all of Jin’s friends were dead or had betrayed him. Who knew where Addam had gone with Mythra. He was so angry with Addam, leaving him and Lora, Haze and Mikhail to face Indol alone.

_Why did I kiss him? _

_Even though Lora’s heart is here in this body, she is not here. I remember everything of our life but I ache for the blade/driver bond that we shared. Such emptiness craves to be filled. That craving makes me do stupid things. It’s a compulsion that is almost impossible to fight._  
  
_He wanted to be close. I don’t think he has ever felt close to anyone - how could he? Amalthus is a cold cruel man. I saw in Minoth what a curse being the blade of that man was. Minoth was so envious of the affinity between Lora and me. My heart went out to him._  
  
_I was surprised however to discover that the Aegis also has the same basic need in his core. _  
  
_No one has ever given a shit about him. I suffer because I was loved and now that has gone. He suffers because he has never been loved or cherished. _  
  
_We have been deliberately made to hunger for our drivers like narcotic dependents. We get no peace unless we submit our wills to theirs, only then do we feel the reward of fulfilment. _  
  
_Can it be possible for two blades to subvert this?_  
  
  
It’s been four days since Malos departed. The inn keeper reminds Jin as he passes on the stairs that tonight is his last night. Jin internally debates if he can bear to go through with what would be required to get more money. He decides to leave in the morning, if he can find passage to Gormott, perhaps he can camp for the rest of the summer while he works out what to do next.  
  
As he gets to the room he can hear voices inside - one is Malos definitely - Jin feels strangely relieved. The other… a child’s voice? Jin opens the door.  
  
Malos is squatting on the floor, with his hand outstretched, the familiar dark haze manifesting in his palm. Staring into it, sat on the bed is a blonde haired boy of about 11 years old. Jin’s heart leaps as he sees Mikhail for the first time in months.  
  
“Jin!” Mikhail launches himself off the bed and into Jin’s arms. Jin gathers him in and kisses the top of his head over and over. “I thought you were dead, but here you are, oh Mik.”  
  
Blade and child cling to each other and then suddenly Mik becomes embarrassed and backs off, his enthusiasm turning back into the reserve that Jin knows so well.  
  
“Where’s Lora?”  
  
Jin closes his eyes. “I’m so sorry Mik”. He kneels and puts a hand on Mikhail’s shoulder, looking up into the child’s anxious blue eyes, “You remember the day we all had to run?” The boy nods. “Well she died that day Mik.” Mikhail’s eyes glisten. Jin pulls him in for a hug, his heart breaking all over again as he brings hurt to the child who has already been through too much. The small body reminds him of Lora when she was a child.  
  
Jin rubs his face,“Where did you find him Malos, and what’s with the ether discharge?” Mikhail pulls away while looking anxiously at Malos.  
  
“It’s ok Mik”, Malos says, rising and moving pointedly to Jin. “You’re not the only one who needs this.” And he holds his palm towards Jin.  
  
“No, Malos, not now”  
  
“Sit down Jin, I think Mik needs to know. Take off your mask.”  
  
Jin sinks into a chair in defeat. He lifts the mask from his face and sets it aside, hearing Mikhail’s intake of breath as he sees Jin’s blood red crystal for the first time.  
  
“Are you sick Jin? Did Indol hurt you too?” The child looks so sad. Jin wonders in fear at the boy’s question.  
  
“Focus” commands Malos and Jin stares into the purple glow, feeling the welcome semblance of wellness return..  
  
“Where does the ether go?” asks Mikhail?  
  
“It goes into my broken crystal Mik, I’m slowly losing ether all the time so in a way, it helps us both at the same time.”  
  
Jin marvels at Mikhail wondering about this before he did. The ether blockage must have really interfered with his cognition.  
  
“No wonder you wanted someone like me.” Malos flicks his eyes up sharply at Jin’s quietly hostile tone.  
  
“I could say that you don’t trust me but,” Malos gestures his head at the room.  
  
“Is this how you knew to look for Mikhail?”  
  
“I’m not omnipotent Jin. But I did recognise Mikhail from the data in your ether. That was a surprising coincidence.”  
  
Jin felt invaded. And as if a trap was beginning to close around him. Mikhail’s eyes were boring into him. There was a puzzle here to get to the bottom of but Mikhail, reticent at the best of times, needs gentleness. Jin suddenly rouses himself and smiles at the boy. “Shall I cook you your favourite?” Mik grins and nods.  


At the table Jin finds himself feeling pleasure as he watches Mikhail eat. The boy is on his second bowlful and every so often looks up at Jin with shining eyes.   
  
“Malos - I can’t thank you enough for finding him - it’s miraculous.”  
  
Malos looks extremely pleased with himself. He almost preens. Jin has forgotten his own food and seems to be filling up on just watching Mikhail eat. _I can take care of him. Lora would want that. I can find somewhere quiet for him, where he’ll not be hurt._ The memory of Malos doing an ether discharge for Mikhail suddenly disrupts the fantasy. Jin looks across at the dark blade as if to question but Malos imperceptibly shakes his head. The fact that Malos can be so sensitive to this child corkscrews around Jin’s head for a while.  
  
Mikhail helps Jin with washing the bowls and as they work, periodically leans into Jin’s side, Jin returns the pressure to show it’s welcome. This funny kid, has always craved affection and yet finds it hard to ask for.  
  
  
Evening wears on and Jin helps the child to bed. “Will you come to bed too?” The boy looks hopeful.  
  
“Of course”. Jin clambers up around Mikhail and strokes his hair watching the child sigh and the eyelids drooping. Eventually the little hard body relaxes against him and Mikhail’s breathing slows into sleep.   
  
Jin is aware that Malos has been watching them the whole time. His expression is almost arrogant.  
  
“You love this one too?” Malos’s voice is disbelieving.  
  
“Yes”, whispers Jin.  
  
“He’s been through a lot - but what exactly I’ve not been able to work out. I know he’s passed through Amathus’s hands and escaped. I think you need to prepare yourself Jin.”  
  
Malos kneels beside the bed and as gently as possible, unties the neck of Mikhail’s shirt, letting it fall open. In the middle of the child’s gently rising chest is a bright blue core crystal. Angry red welts radiate from the crystal across the small chest like a malformed flower.  
  
Jin feels the room swimming. It takes all his strength not to rise in horror. Tears of sorrow and anger well up and he has to force himself to breathe. He looks up into Malos’s bewildered eyes.  
  
“I take it that Mikhail was a human child before…this?”  
  
Jin swallows, “Yes. Did he tell you how this happened?”  
  
“No, but I had some persuading to do to explain that he needed help. He was so frightened and his thinking had been messed up by the blockage.”  
  
“How did you gain his trust? Does he know who you are?”  
  
“I don’t think so. I explained I was a friend of yours, and where you were and that I could take you to him, that you were sick in a similar way and that I had been helping you. He was worried about you Jin. He thinks Indol got you too.”  
  
“I guess they did in a way.” The painful future conversation about becoming a flesh eater suddenly gains purpose in Jin’s mind if it can help Mikhail. Jin shakes his head, how much more pain would this boy have to endure, it was unconscionable.  
  
“I think I’m going to kill Amalthus.”  
  
Malos nods. “Knock yourself out Jin”.   
  
“Do you think Indol are after him?”  
  
“I imagine so. Amalthus is not one for leaving loose ends.”  
  
“We have to hide Malos. We can’t stay here.”  
  
The dark blade nods. “First light.” He gently reties the shirt on the sleeping boy. Then clambers into the bed beside Jin and threads an arm across the ice blade’s form. Jin is perplexed by Malos’s continuing desire for contact but doesn’t push Malos away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I freely admit that the introduction of Mikhail at this particular point owes everything to 'Interview with the Vampire'.


	4. Gormott

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the early morning, luck presents itself in the form of a small Argentum trade vessel. Jin carries a drowsy and cloaked Mikhail while Malos does the negotiations and soon they are on their way. At Argentum, they pick up supplies and find transport to Gormott. Jin doesn’t relax until they are finally on land tracking north.

_Is Malos deliberately reeling me in? How much data does he pick up when he drains my ether? And Mikhail, what did they do you? I can’t bear that you’ve suffered so much. _  
  
Jin lies awake between the sleeping forms of a child he loves and a man who, despite being his enemy, has done nothing but try to help him since they met in the alleyway. If Jin wants to care for Mikhail, he has to solve the ether flow problem. And the money problem. At the moment, Malos is the only solution to the former. The thought of going back into the street for the latter makes him feel weary. Jin thinks of Lora’s mother. This must be the trap that women fall into when they’ve been abandoned with a child. Humans can be so cruel.  
  
In the early morning, luck presents itself in the form of a small Argentum trade vessel. Jin carries a drowsy and cloaked Mikhail while Malos does the negotiations and soon they are on their way. At Argentum, they pick up supplies and find transport to Gormott. Jin doesn’t relax until they are finally on land tracking north. There’s a cave he remembers he and Lora found that you can only get to by swimming through the Cloud Sea. While they walk it seems that Malos has turned botanist, exclaiming at every little bug and flower.   
  
“I didn’t know such things could be so beautiful!”  
  
“Gormott is almost as beautiful as Torna was. And so unspoiled. Since Torigoth was destroyed, hardly anyone lives here - although I imagine that will not last for long.”  
  
“Torigoth?”  
  
“Yeah, where Lora’s mother used to live. She was killed along with the rest.”  
  
Malos asks quietly, “Did I kill them?”  
  
Jin stops walking and looks closely at Malos, is that guilt on his face? “No, Malos - it was other humans.”  
  
Malos looks relieved, “You knew Lora’s mother?”  
  
“Yes. We could never stay for long, in case Lora was discovered with me - she would have been put to death so that my core crystal could be reclaimed. But we visited whenever we could risk it. Rynea would always have new clothes that she had made for Lora. She grew so quickly.”  
  
“Did you love her too?”, Malos is watching Jin.  
  
“I, I was grateful to her, I respected her, and she was good to me - was always so glad I was protecting Lora. I used to think she was weak, for falling in with the man who tried to kill her own daughter. I helped her move to Gormott so he couldn’t find her. We had to lie to Rynea all the time about our whereabouts - eventually she stopped asking.”  
  
Jin paused, and then in an unexpectedly determined voice said, “That’s why you have to trust me here Malos - I know what I’m doing. I kept Lora hidden for years. I can keep Mik safe. And you too if you need it.”  
  
Malos breathes in deeply, and a slow smile touches the corners of his mouth.  
  
  
Watching Jin methodically making camp in the cave, Malos wonders at everything seeming to have a particular place. The ice blade looked almost content as he went about the work with a calm practiced efficiency. Within a short space of time and with Mikhail’s assistance, a fire pit was made and the sleeping rolls were arranged.  
  
“Malos, instead of just propping up the tree, which seems to be managing just fine without your help - will you go gather some wood for the fire?” Jin has his hands on his hips as he assesses the new camp.  
  
The dark blade pushes himself out of his leaning and looks distasteful, “What sort of wood?”  
  
“Some for cooking and some for heat?”  
  
“How are they different?”  
  
“I’ll show you.” A small voice by his side. Mikhail leads the way and Malos falls in behind with a bemused expression on his face.  
  
Later Malos surprises Jin by complimenting his cooking. “Your reputation is safe, that was the best fish I’ve ever eaten”.  
  
Jin nods a small smile. Mikhail grins through his food. “It’s almost like everything you make has be to made as well as possible, isn’t it Jin?”  
  
After the meal the three sit quietly and watch the fire die down. Jin hunches slightly and Mikhail looks uncomfortable.  
  
“Are you in pain?”, asks Malos softly. Mikhail nods. There was no opportunity for regulating ether flow during their traveling. “You first Mik.” Malos gestures for the boy to sit in front of him.  
  
“It would help if I could see what I was doing Mik. Is that ok?” Mikhail looks at the ground. Malos looks up at Jin, seeming to be at a loss. Jin rises, his slender form seeming taller in this cave and he quietly comes and sits beside Mikhail. Without a word he unbuckles his breast plate, pushes off his armour and pulls his undershirt aside. Mikhail stares at the terrible scar in Jin’s chest.  
  
Jin picks up Mikhail’s hand, holds it to his scar and closes his eyes. “When Indol came that day, and we ran, they cut Lora down. I carried her to a cave to see if I could save her but she was dying. She was terrified that I would forget her. I didn’t want to forget her and return to my core. She gave me her heart Mik. I took it. It beats in here now. I’m…” Jin breathes in deeply, “I’m a flesh eater.”  
  
“Like Minoth?” asks Mikhail.  
  
“Yes, like Minoth.”  
  
Mikhail nods and then undoes the tie at his own throat revealing the crystal in his chest. He bows his head, a flush on the little boy’s cheek. A small voice whispers, “I’m a blade eater.”  
  
Jin reaches to hold Mikhail’s hand. “This should never have happened to you. It was terribly wrong. I’ll do my best to never let anyone hurt you again.”  
  
Malos is regarding them both in fascination, then suddenly collects himself and reaches out a palm to simultaneously draw ether from Jin and Mikhail as they sit beside each other.  
  
  
The night is rent with Mikhail shrieking into wakefulness. Old familiar parental patterns reassert themselves in Jin, and before he even completely rouses himself, he instinctively gathers Mik up and rocks him. “Shh, it’s ok, I’m here, it was just a bad dream, you’re safe with me.” He wipes tears from Mik’s eyes and smiles gently at him. “You want to talk about it?” Mikhail shakes his head. Jin doesn't push, "It's ok, you feel better now?" The boy takes a deep breath and nods.  
  
Malos sits up looking startled. “Is his crystal hurting him?”  
  
“No, a nightmare.”  
  
Malos blinks uncomprehendingly.  
  
Jin strokes Mikhail's fringe and encourges him to lie down, “Bad dreams Malos, humans get them all the time, children especially. Do you dream?”  
  
“No. Do you?”  
  
“Only after…you know.”  
  
Malos nods, “Perhaps now that you’ve fused with human cells? Did Lora have nightmares?”  
  
“Yes.” Jin smiles to see the boy drifting off again. Once he’s certain that the boy is sleeping, Jin comes to sit beside Malos. “I can only imagine what things must visit Mikhail when he sleeps. Lora would dream about her step-father trying to kill her.”  
  
“All the time?”  
  
“It happened at lot in the first year we were together, but then they became less and less. If this is the only problem we have with Mik, I’ll consider us lucky.” Jin suddenly wonders about using the word 'us' and if Malos picked it up. He flicks a glance but the dark blade is unreadable.  
  
“Do you have nightmares about”, Malos gestures, “you know…?”  
  
Jin nods. He wonders if he will ever be able to forget what he did. The images haunt him even when he is awake.“The difference between what happened to me and what happened to Mik is that I chose to do this, but he was forced.”  
  
The two blades sit watching the last glowing embers in the fire while Mikhail sleeps.  
  
“Why do humans hurt their children?”, asked Malos, his eyes narrowing.  
  
“I honestly don’t know. The first thing I remember was _him_ trying to kill her.”, child Lora’s terrified eyes loomed in his memory. Jin tries to redirect his thoughts to something more wholesome. “What does it feel like when you draw ether from Mik and me, is there any difference?”  
  
“It feels…satisfying, for a while after I…my thoughts are more organised. The ether from Mik is gentle, but dark. If he ever learns to manifest, I think his element is going to be the same as mine - dark. Yours unsurprisingly is colder, the flow is less chaotic than when I first met you, but you have so much power in you, I believe you are still a way from being out of danger. Drawing ether from you both together was…extraordinary. I’m not sure I could do that very often.”  
  
“Did you pick up any images this time?”  
  
“No, but, I think I felt what I can only imagine must be your love for Mik and how much he trusted you in that moment. It was breathtaking.” Malos looks as shattered as his crystal. He rubs a hand across his face. “This is so beyond anything I expected, anything I imagined”.  
  
Jin regards the once powerful Aegis struggling with this. Malos side-eyes him and snaps, “Are you enjoying this?”  
  
Jin responds by taking one of Malos’s hands and raising it to his lips, Shushing him in the same way he did with Mik not twenty minutes ago. He whispers words into the dark blade’s fingers, “watching you risk vulnerability for our sakes is bewildering”. _And for some reason, I can’t get enough of it._


	5. Transformation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What happened there?”
> 
> “My form? I think it’s my titan form. It started after I …” Jin gestures at the crystal in his forehead.
> 
> “I’ve never seen a blade so powerful.”
> 
> Jin is dimly aware of the hot look in Malos’s eyes. For a moment he thought there was something calculating. While Jin may be fascinated by Malos’s vulnerability, his own doesn’t have quite the same appeal.

“Is this really necessary?” Malos is leaning back on a tree looking tall, dark and moody.  
  
“If we are going to pose as blade and driver you’d better learn how to handle a katana.” Jin unsheathes his long nodachi, the curved blade flashing in the morning sunshine.  
  
“I used to be the master blade you know, I’m sure I still have this data…”, Malos’s voice becomes uncertain, “…somewhere.”  
  
“It’s up to you Malos, you can continue in your commitment to arboreal support or you can give it a go”. Jin surprises himself at his own nonchalance. Malos smirks at him and folds his arms.  
  
“Wait for me!” cries Mikhail. The boy trots around the clearing and finds a long, stout stick.   
  
Jin waits and then smiles at Mikhail when he returns. “Ready?” Mikhail nods.  
  
Malos watches the pair go through the exercise routine familiar to them both, the small blonde haired figure following the silver haired blade’s every move.   
  
Jin calls commands. “Strike. Uppercut. Thrust." Despite an ethereal appearance, Jin’s form is elegant and well made. His moves are fluid and yet completely precise. The long katana as much a part of him as his own arm. Malos is arrested by yet another form of beauty. Jin is clearly deadly. Malos feels a hungry lurch in his chest.   
  
Jin looks over his shoulder at Malos. “Shall I show you arts now?  
  
“Are you going to do Zero Blade Jin?”, asks Mikhail excitedly?   
  
“What’s Zero Blade?” asks Malos.   
  
“Oh it’s amazing - it when Jin makes rapid cuts and all these ice spears appear and fire into the monster!”  
  
“That does sound amazing - perhaps I should just try the moves first?”  
  
Jin hands Malos the hilt of his weapon. “It’s longer than your Monado, both hands - hold it with the point down to one side.”  
  
Malos adopts the posture, feeling unsure.  
  
“Follow Mik”. Malos watches Mik make a strike with his stick. He copies, thrusting the blade forward and almost misses his footing in, not expecting the sword to be so finely balanced.  
  
“You don’t have to force it Malos, think of it as an extension of your body.”  
  
Malos grunts, but to his credit, proves a patient pupil. After a while it’s clear that Malos does know what he is doing, somehow having felt his way into the method. Jin wonders if Malos found the data or is just a quick learner.  
  
“Ready for some sparring?”  
  
Malos nods.  
  
Jin takes the stick from Mikhail and faces Malos, mirroring the downward hold on the blade. Then at blistering speed he launches at Malos in a shimmer. Malos blocks him instinctively and staggers back. Jin secretly enjoys the look of surprise on the dark blade’s face.  
  
“I remember fighting you now. You were the first, the only blade I faced who could get past my guard. You moved so quickly.” Malos tries an uppercut and marvels at Jin’s speed. It feels good to move his body like this again. Together they spar, repeatedly thrusting, blocking and dodging with Mikhail looking on in delight.   
  
Malos feels his confidence growing and forgets that Jin only has a stick. He raises the katana as if to cleave, forcing Jin to fire up an ether shield. As he does so there is a flash and Jin feels his transformation take hold. Malos almost drops the katana in shock.  
  
Jin is garbed in metallic plate, fragile wings unfurled from his sacrum shimmering with an almost imperceptible vibration, ether lines wound around his limbs like vines. His chest is bare with the shocking scar in full view.   
  
Jin draws moisture from the atmosphere and fires it at the tree nearest to Malos in the form of metre long ice shards, where they embed themselves at sickening speed.   
  
“Jin!” Mikhail is looking on in wonder. The boy’s voice cuts through the moment and Jin feels the transformation reverse. He falls to the ground in a dead faint. “Jin!” Mikhail’s face crumples in fear and he runs to help his mentor.  
  
Malos hands Mikhail the katana and then, with effort and a grunt, picks the ice blade up in both arms and carries his unconscious body back to the camp.   
  
  
Back in the cave Jin is shaking violently. They try and make him comfortable. Mikhail doing every bidding that Malos makes with earnest rapidity. Water. Blankets. Relighting the fire.   
  
“Can you make tea Mik?” asks Malos.  
  
“Yes.” Mikhail finds the boiler and sets it on the fire. He starts to go through the packs for the tea. Malos attempts to help Jin regulate his ether flow but Jin keeps fading in and out of consciousness. Eventually he draws enough to slow the shaking.   
  
“What happened there?”  
  
“My form? I think it’s my titan form. It started after I …” Jin gestures at the crystal in his forehead.  
  
“I’ve never seen a blade so powerful.”   
  
Jin is dimly aware of the hot look in Malos’s eyes. For a moment he thought there was something calculating. While Jin may be fascinated by Malos’s vulnerability, his own doesn’t have quite the same appeal. “What about your power as the Aegis?” Jin regrets the question immediately as a cloud darkens the grey eyes above him. “Sorry, I shouldn’t…”  
  
Malos decides to be magnanimous “It’s ok Jin. I’ll find a way to get that back one day. Although…”  
  
Jin looks shocked. “Could you get it back?”.   
  
“Although I have no idea how to go about it right now. We can come back to this later, here, have some tea.” Mikhail hands him the cup. Malos tenderly helps Jin raise the tea to his lips.   
  
  
Jin is standing at the edge of the clearing in front of the cave, looking out at the cloud sea. Malos, after making sure Jin was recovered, had gone alone to Argentum to pick up supplies. Because Jin had been unwell for several days, they’d burned through what they’d had. Mikhail had done his best to forage, drawing on the knowledge that he’d learned from his days with Jin and Lora on Torna, but Malos was definitely at a disadvantage to know how to take care of a sick man while camping wild. The soft sounds of Mikhail clattering around the cave remind Jin how vulnerable they all are while he struggles with his altered state.   
  
_Why did I take Malos’s hand that night?_   
  
Mikhail wanders over to Jin and stares out at the cloud sea. Jin registers anxiety in the child’s face. “You ok Mik?”  
  
“Will Malos be ok?”  
  
“I’m sure he will be.”  
  
“What if Amalthus gets him? Would he make him kill people again?”   
  
Jin looks astounded, “When did you realise Malos was the Aegis Mik?”   
  
Mik wonders for a moment, then places his hand over the core crystal in his chest”. “I can’t explain it. I think it was after he helped us both with the ether flow.”  
  
“Are you ok with this?”  
  
“Amalthus wants all three of us dead doesn’t he Jin? So we have to help each other.” In spite of himself Jin smiles, he has always loved the simple logic of children.   
  
“Yes, when you put it like that, it makes perfect sense.” Jin drapes an arm over the small shoulders, feeling Mikhail instinctively stiffen, and then slowly relax again. “I promise I’ll keep you safe, to the best of my ability.”  
  
“And Malos - we need Malos Jin, he’s helping us get well. And he needs us.”  
  
“You think he needs us?”  
  
“We’re the only people who have ever been nice to him. He must have been very lonely.” Jin wonders at the upside down world where a child can have empathy for a once all-powerful Aegis.   
  
  
_Caring for Mikhail is the only thing that makes any kind of sense. The years now stretch out in front of me. The rent inside me goes deeper than the outward scar, I know that I want nothing, I have no desire to do…anything. That moment she died, that moment I became a flesh eater, all sense in my life vanished. Raising Mikhail, if he wants to stay with me, helping him cope with whatever that core has in store for him, is a worthy way to use this life she gave me. She would want me to do it. But would she have wanted me to align myself with Malos? Not as we understood him then, but now? Can I trust him?_  
  
_Why is he bothering with us? I know he gets some benefit from the data replacement but he suffers far less than either of us. Perhaps even in his damaged state, being the Aegis confers strength._  
  
_I find it so hard to marry the man I know now with the war monger we knew then. The concept of a caring Aegis is bizarre. Even Mythra struggled with empathy until she realised she had been instrumental in poor Milton’s death. Is that what is happening here? Malos is realising the consequences of his actions for the first time? He can not seem to do enough for me. Most of the energy he expends has been in the aid of helping me arrive at some semblance of recovery. I’d be tempted to think that he wants me dependent on him, if he didn’t keep talking about finding technology that can help me and Mik with our ether. I know Malos wants to repair his own crystal but seems certain that the other Aegis is the only answer – and who knows where she could be. _  
  
_If Addam handn’t left us… I can’t continue thinking down that road, the path I travel has her death and my transformation behind me. The road I travel now has Mik and Malos beside me. I will do all I can for Mik. And I think Malos needs my help as much as I need his._


	6. Rescue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jin shakes his head in disbelief. How can Malos’s words excite and disconcert him even after what just happened? It looked like Mikhail really did understand better than Jin. Was all this simply because Malos had missed him? How much do you have to miss someone to have such misguided instinct? Of course this is the Aegis wanting something, so the scale of want must be…on another level altogether. Jin swallows. 
> 
> Meanwhile, Mikhail is having his own brush with danger.

Malos has returned. After slinging the packs down in an untidy heap, he watches Jin patiently go through them. “Any trouble while I was gone?”   
  
“None, we were fine - Mik knows you’re Aegis by the way.”  
  
Malos looks taken aback, “Did you tell him?”  
  
“No, he somehow worked it out himself.”  
  
“Is he scared?”   
  
“Oddly no, in fact he was worried that Amalthus would find you.”  
  
Malos narrows his eyes, his bearing right now reminds Jin of a storm cloud brewing. “Where is Mik?”  
  
“Off foraging - I told him to stick to the area this side of the lake. He wanted to get ingredients so I could make him the stew he likes.”  
  
“Any evidence of that crystal manifesting yet?”  
  
“No, no yet, perhaps it’s like me, the ether problems are interfering. In a way I’m hoping he doesn’t, I just want him to feel safe and normal.”  
  
“With a hustler flesh-eater and the broken Aegis?” Malos is peevish. Jin flicks him a wary cold glance and walks away to tend the fire. Co-dependence then. That’s what this is. Is that all it is?   
  
Malos strides to follow Jin and grasps his face, wrenching it round. He tries to force a kiss. Jin shimmers out of Malos’s grip, almost instantaneously appearing on the other side of fire pit.   
  
“That’s new.” Malos grunts. He lunges for Jin again, this time grabbing him by the shoulders. A struggle ensues and they both end up crashing to the ground. Malos has Jin pinned to the ground, holding him down by the wrists. Jin’s blue eyes harden with naked hostility. Malos smiles slowly. “Guess I’m still the strongest physically”.   
  
Jin tries to fight his way out of Malos’s grasp. “Get off me, you’ve proved your point”.   
  
“If I make you mad, will you go into your titan form again?” The look Malos gives is coldly analytical. “And then if you collapse, I guess I’ll have to pick you up again.” The dark blade seems to have arrived at an answer he likes.  
  
“Is that all I am to you - just something to do? This damaged _thing_ you want to play with?” Jin spits out the words in fury.  
  
Malos smiles cruelly, and then forcibly grips Jin between the legs.   
  
Jin’s eyes widen in shock and then as cold despair floods through him, he slowly, deliberately goes limp. This was all a trap? Shit he even walked straight into it. But Jin’s sudden passiveness has flummoxed Malos who for a moment seems bewildered. Somehow Jin forces away his panic, desperately trying to find any possible route out of disaster. He looks straight into Malos eyes and uses as calm a tone as he can manage, “Malos, if you want to fuck this body, I won’t fight you. I will lie here like a rag-doll while you rape me and I will _hate_ you while you do it and I will hate myself ever after, knowing that I was fool to even consider that you had any shed of decency in you. Yes, you are the strongest and still you want control? Why? You know I am nothing, nothing but fucked up flesh-eater, what good does this do you? You’ve spent all this time building up trust and before today, I had _almost_ begun to trust you. If you don’t get off me right now, that trust will be gone forever. Is that what you want?   
  
All is silent apart from Jin’s shuddering breathing.   
  
After what feels like minutes Malos slowly releases Jin. He sits back on his heels, eyes shadowed as he stares down at the silver blade. Jin exhales slowly in relief, sits up and leans against a log, shaken. “What the _fuck_ did you think you were doing?”, His voice was trembling.  
  
“I wanted you.”  
  
“Yeah, I got that!” Jin shakes his head. “You can do better than that Malos - explain.”   
  
“I, I think you are beautiful, and warm, and I wanted to feel like it did the time you kissed me, and it was like I was hungry to feel you.”  
  
Jin bats the pretty words away, “It wasn’t just that though was it? You wanted to be in utter control of…me?”  
  
“It felt powerful, I’ve not felt that powerful since my crystal broke.”   
  
“Tell me Malos, do you actually think raping me could have possibly approached anything like what it must have been to be the Aegis?”  
  
A pause.  
  
“No.” The dark blade’s face is still in shadow.  
  
“Was it sex that you wanted?”  
  
Malos considers this for a moment. “I don’t know, I just wanted to feel connected to you again. Not being with you is… when I feel the most broken.”  
  
Jin shakes his head in disbelief. How can Malos’s words excite and disconcert him even after what just happened? It looked like Mikhail really did understand better than Jin. Was all this simply because Malos had _missed_ him? Surely not. How much do you have to miss someone to act on such misguided instinct? Of course this is the Aegis wanting something, so the scale of want must be…on another level altogether. Jin swallows.   
  
Acting on intuition he crouches in front of Malos and takes one of the big man’s hands into both of his. Malos doesn’t react. He seems stricken. “You can’t take affection Malos. That’s not how it works. That’s what the worst humans do, they take what they want.” Jin realises something, “The one human on Alrest above all the others that takes everything he wants without any regard is Amalthus. Perhaps that’s why you felt compelled to…”   
  
Malos lifts up his head, he looks chastened. “I’m sorry Jin.”  
  
“Who am I to you Malos?”   
  
“You’re my friend. All I have is you, and Mik.”   
  
Jin feels like he is remonstrating with a child, “You do realise that just now, you almost threw that away don’t you? Friends don’t deliberately hurt each other.”  
  
Malos looks directly at him and ever so slightly nods. Jin absentmindedly rubs the crystal in his forehead. What is he doing? Trying to get Malos to be…a better person?   
  
“Jin.”  
  
“What?”   
  
“You are not nothing. Don’t ever say you are nothing” Malos’s voice is low and earnest. “I didn’t know people could be as beautiful as you.”   
  
  
Mikhail scrambled up the great root. From here he could see his favourite the view of the lake and the many rivers and woodlands beyond. Gormott’s noble head, moving up in the distance, was glowing gold in the evening sunlight. The air was clean and alive here, not like on dirty old Mor Ardain, or sterile Indol. The core in his chest seems to fizz with disturbance. No, don’t think of Indol, where all the hideous things had happened. The boy distracted himself by looking proudly in his foraging sack full of hot oranges, breathing in their spicy citrus scent. Jin would be able to turn them into something delicious he was certain.   
  
Mikhail pulled out one and broke it in half, sinking his teeth into the sweet red flesh. Oh it was good. Milton would have loved these. He’d have loved this place. The memory of a lifeless Milton in his arms was suddenly vivid in his mind. His core tingled again. Why did everything have to make him think of sad or painful things. The tingling in his chest seemed to get stronger and he felt a pressure building up, along with a ringing in his ears.   
  
Out of the corner of his eye he caught a sudden movement at the base of the root he had climbed. A pack of scrawny Volff had managed to cross the lake along a fallen tree and were now encircling the woody trunk. They had obviously caught Mikhail’s scent.   
  
Mikhail realised in horror he was cut off. He could hear the yips and growls as the pack stared up at him. They grew bolder and one of them leapt up the slope of the root but couldn’t get purchase and skidded backwards until it fell. Another one tried, it got a little further up before sliding off again. This seemed to give the others courage, more of them now making a run for it up the slope of the root, testing how far they could launch themselves before skidding off again, getting more and more daring. Mikhail could see that they were getting better at it. It dawned on him that he was going to have to fight for his life. Mikhail looked about him and found a loose branch, it wasn’t much but it would have to do. To give himself courage, he traced an arc with it in the air like he had seen Jin do with his nodachi, and then held the branch at the ready. All the time the ringing in his ears grew louder, and the crystal in his chest felt like it was vibrating.   
  
One of the larger volff had taken a running jump and somehow had managed to stay on the root. It lowered its body like a stalking feline and inched its way along, a low growl accompanying its every move. Mikhail could see that in a few more paces it would have reached the horizontal section. He would have to hit it with all his strength the moment its paw was within range, before it could leap at him. He breathed as calmly as he could, counting the paces of the volff, four…three…two…one! Mikhail ran towards the animal and swung as hard as he could. He watched in disbelief as, with a flash of blue light, the branch slashed through the creature’s throat with a great spray of blood, flinging its body off the root. The branch flew out of the boy’s hand, following the animal to the forest floor. Panicking, he backed up the root again watching the volff pack below whimper and howl at the demise of one of their number. They seemed to back off for a moment, continuing their circling at a wider distance.  
  
Mikhail, panting for breath, looked down for another branch and nearly fell off the root in shock. In his hands were two great crystal fans, that looked like they were made of blue feathers, each one with a razor sharp edge. His crystal must have manifested, these must be his weapons, but before he could think about any more about that, another volff had made it up the root. Mikhail ran towards it and swung a fan at the creature’s head. It dropped like a stone and fell below. Mikhail heaves a sob, bravely standing his ground through the tears, readying himself for the next onslaught.   
  
At that moment the snarls of the pack below changed from aggressive posturing to yelps of pain and anger. Mikhail looked down in sudden relief to see the figures of Jin and Malos beating back the pack. Malos powerfully scything though them with Jin’s nodachi while Jin delivered his arts to Malos through an unmistakable thread of blade affinity. Most of the pack were scattering but one had scrambled up the root, more to get out of the way than to go for Mikhail but in its urgency had managed to jump up to where the root levelled. Jin made an extraordinary leap and then nimbly ran up the root, Malos hurled the sword, hilt first, after him. The ice blade caught and swung it through the body of the volff in one clean motion. Jin then threw the sword back to Malos who set about persuading the stragglers that this was no longer the place to be.   
  
Jin took in the sight of the blue fans and Mikhail’s tear stained face. He sighed, “Oh Mik, I guess that answers that question then hey? By the looks of things, you were doing rather well by yourself. C’mere you brave lad.” Jin held out his arms and Mikhail let himself be enveloped in the comforting embrace. He felt the ice blade chuckling and pulled back to look at Jin’s face.  
  
“What’s funny?”  
  
“I think you’ve got enough hot oranges here to feed half the Imperial army.”


	7. Empty Moment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Over the next days Jin was surprised and gratified to see Malos take it upon himself to mentor Mikhail in discovering how to control and manage his new powers.
> 
> When not focusing on Mikhail or cooking, Jin would take himself off, leaving the other two training.

Without discussion, the tensions between the two men were put to one side as they focused their attention on Mikhail. Nor was anything said about how they had fought in tune like blade and driver. The boy, who found it difficult to express himself at the best of times, was in a turmoil of distress and excitement. His anger at the hideous events that had made him a blade eater now came into direct conflict with his thrill at being able to manifest such beautiful and deadly weapons.   
  
After Mikhail refused to let either of the blades take a closer look at the crystal fans, Jin suggested that when they exercised together the next morning, he could bring his weapons or use a stick again, it was up to Mikhail. The boy had indeed turned up with a stick and Jin made no comment. At some point during the practice session, Mikhail had abandoned the stick and quietly manifested the fans, trying to adapt the movements. Jin passed his nodachi to Malos and started to look around for some flattish stones, “Keep going Mik” he said the best nonchalant tone he could manage.   
  
He found a couple of natural slates, and holding them in a plate-grip, started to copy Mik’s exploratory movements. After some minutes of following the boy’s lead, Jin’s sensitivity and patience paid off.  
  
“Would you like to hold them Jin” asked Mikhail, holding our the wicked looking weapons. Jin nodded, carefully threading his hands into the grips. “Can I hold your nodachi?”  
  
“Well as long as you’re careful - I don’t want you to injure yourself.”   
  
Derisory laughter erupts from Malos’s direction, “Given the lad can now manifest a dozen deadly knives in each hand, worrying about one sword is a bit rich Jin.”  
  
Jin laughed, nodding, “Yes, you make a good point!” Ever after this moment Malos and Mikhail would make digs at Jin about how important it was not to run with knives. Given Jin did most of the cooking this was not an infrequent occurrence.   
  
Mikhail took Jin’s sword and despite his shorter height managed to emulate some of the movements rather well.   
  
Exploring the motion of the fans, Jin noticed that it was important to keep one’s arms in unison to avoid risking injury. Mikhail explained that when he was using them, if they got too close to each other, his ether flow set up a repelling force, a bit like the lodes on a magnet.  
  
Malos pushed himself off his favourite tree trunk at this point, and joined in the discussion. Given that Jin was still overloaded with ether, Malos suggested that Mikhail try to confer affinity on him, while he held the boy’s weapons. Mikhail, without any faltering was able to send a blue thread of affinity to the fans. Sure enough the fans started to repel if Malos drew them too close. Soon all three were exploring and discussing the new weapons. The two blades careful to defer to Mikhail’s opinions, instinctively fostering the boy’s emerging confidence.   
  
Over the next days Jin was surprised and gratified to see Malos take it upon himself to mentor Mikhail in discovering how to control and manage his new powers. It was also a relief to all three of them that Mikhail was now in control over his own ether flow, no longer needing Malos’s assistance.  
  
As predicted, the boy’s element was indeed dark. Having this in common with Malos, meant that Mikhail came to see Malos as the absolute authority in how the element could be harnessed and channelled. Jin would be roped into help with practice sessions, but if he ever made any suggestions, Mikhail would always check them with Malos before adopting them. If it had been in his nature, Jin would have felt a little jealous, but all that mattered was that the lad was letting go some of his fears in order to forge new relationships, which could only be a good thing.  
  
Malos nicknamed one of the boy’s emerging arts ‘Final Crow’ after Mikhail created a pressure wave that caused such a wide blast, it launched Jin and Malos off their feet. When it had dissipated and all was quiet, and the two blades had dusted themselves off, one single solitary crow landed on the ground between them, dead as doornail.   
  
Barring the occasional mishap, Jin was heartened to see the boy blossom under Malos’s patient if acerbic tuition. In many ways it was the best atonement Malos could have made for his previous abusive act.   
  
While Mikhail no longer needed Malos to help regulate ether flow, Jin certainly did. The ice blade was no nearer in being able to release the continuous build up of ether inside him. The sessions to help with this had become tinctured with an uncomfortableness as they both kept their distance. Jin found it difficult to relax and Malos would cut the session short before he got frustrated, not wanting to risk any kind of confrontation with Jin.   
  
When not focusing on Mikhail or cooking, Jin would take himself off, leaving the other two training. Grief was a default condition for Jin but the new association with Malos and Mik had given him a way to breath through it and live in the moment. Now that he was distancing himself from Malos, the emptiness was as raw as it ever was. Sitting round the fire in the evening would be the worst, half-listening to Malos and Mik in their endless discussions, imagining he could almost make out Lora’s form beside him if he didn’t turn round.   
  
After Mikhail’s adventure, to ensure there were no more volff incursions, Jin had spent some time creating and manipulating ice to push the fallen tree back to the opposite shore. He used it as an excuse for his wanderings, each day telling the other two that he was just making sure the tree hadn’t come free and was still safe.   
  
On this particular evening Jin made his way to the great tree root and clambered up to Mikhail’s viewing platform. He looked up at the immense head of Gormott in the distance. Was Gormott even aware of the living beings on its back as it strode an endless path. His memories of Torna being felled and falling into the Cloud Sea came to mind all over again. Had she died in agony just as Lora had? Jin feels a sob come to choke him. Nothing in his experience had prepared him for such a loss. To have her as part of his make-up made him fear the he would never have an end to the pain of life without her by his side.  
  
And what of the alternative? To be caught in the spotlight of the Aegis’s attention, Jin felt like he’d strayed too close to the sun, in danger of being consumed. But deep inside he knew he had a compulsion to let Malos do just that, willingly lay himself in the dark blade’s path and allow himself to be devoured.   
  
Blades were not designed for this level of grief. They were supposed to return to their cores. The compulsion to scream is almost overpowering but he hugs his arms to himself instead, not wishing to make noise that would disturb and bring the others. Unable to hold his feelings back any longer, Jin leans back on the trunk and surrenders to sob after wracking sob, beating the heel of his hand into his scar on his chest over and over until the physical pain overwhelms the emotional tearing inside.


	8. ‘but oh it gives a pretty light’

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It wasn’t a mistake was it? Becoming the blade of someone you trust? I did that too, once.”

When he eventually opens his eyes Jin realises he’s no longer alone. Malos is quietly making his way from the lakeside to the tree root. Jin watches dispassionately as Malos makes the climb, his powerful build untroubled by the effort. When Malos gets to the platform, he gestures as if asking to sit. Jin nods, making room.  
  
“I left Mik sleeping by the fire. He only agreed to go to sleep if I promised him I’d come and look for you.” Malos regards Jin with a worried look on his face. “You’ve been crying.”  
  
“I’m always fucking crying.” Jin idly snaps a twig into smaller and smaller pieces with sharp cracks.  
  
“It’s getting harder again isn’t it? Ever since the day I…you’ve pulled away.”  
  
Jin flicks Malos a glance and throws the last of the stick fragments away.  
  
“What can I do Jin, I’m so sorry, I wish I could take back what I did, I really do.”  
  
“It doesn’t matter. What’s done is done.” Jin’s weary words seem to be all encompassing. “Answer me this Malos, why do you care? I, we, must seem so _small_ to you, how do my feelings have any significance to you?”  
  
“You are the _only_ thing that matters.” Jin shakes his head in disbelief, silver-white hair refracting the evening sunlight.  
  
“Jin, please, listen to me. I can’t keep myself from watching you. All that you are is fascinating to me. I can’t see this world clearly unless I am looking at it through your eyes. Before my crystal broke, everything seemed so small, so inconsequential. Now there are consequences everywhere. I know I have been the instrument of your misfortune. I never understood before, how the things I did caused pain. I see the pain you are in every single day. To begin with I thought I was helping you with that pain, but then I...” Malos shakes his head. “I can not bear that the reason everything happened to you, was because of me. I did this.” Malos looks utterly defeated. All arrogance and superiority gone.  
  
“You go too far Malos, you didn’t make me a flesh eater. I did that to myself. That which drove me to take her heart, drove you to destroy – do you understand?”  
  
“What?” Malos looks bewildered.  
  
“We are made to please our drivers – It’s written into every single part of our cores. We are literally compelled to fulfil that.” Jin sees comprehension in Malos’s eyes. “We fight to find our own wills under the weight of the empathy we feel for our driver. But what I find astonishing right now Malos, is somehow your empathy is focused on me.”  
  
“There is nothing I wouldn’t do for you Jin. I see the pain in your eyes, it rebukes me even though you do not. It’s not hard to be obsessed with you, but the more I focus on you, it feels almost possible to separate what comes from me and what comes from Amalthus. With you I make choices that feel like they could be my own and not his.”  
  
_So we reach for each other to get away from the pain caused by our drivers, however different they are. We share a dark symmetry._  
  
Feeling like he is coming up for air after being too long submerged, Jin fights his way through Malos’s words to a fragile new understanding, “Perhaps, perhaps we can find a way to circumvent the Architect’s design. You and I, with our driver’s influences so greatly reduced, we can find out what it is to make choices as, well I suppose, free blades.”  
  
At Jin’s words the apprehension on Malos’s face melts away. “I miss you. I wish I knew how to connect with you again.”  
  
“I’d like to find a way for us to connect too.” Jin slowly reaches out and covers Malos’s hand with his own. The dark blade closes his eyes in relief.  
  
They sit looking across the lake, allowing the peace of the evening to wipe away the tension of the last few days.  
  
“Do you think blades having sex helps them feel connected?” Malos is careful to keep his voice light.  
  
Jin chuckles. Malos’s curiosity on this particular subject is becoming notable and he starts to consider that Malos may be one of the few blades with a more obvious sexuality, it seems likely, given that he has the data of the master blade. “I have no idea, I’ve only ever had sex with humans. I know not many blades crave physical sex, but they yearn for that bond. They are hard wired for it. I imagine sex between blade and driver could be exceptional in that it might heighten their affinity.”  
  
“Do you want to have sex with me?”  
  
“We could try it, if you really wanted to, but I think that’s the wrong question Malos. With Lora all I craved was the driver/blade bond and I think we were perhaps extremely lucky to have it so interwoven with love that I felt it intensely. The loss of it…” Jin feels the stinging of tears and then simply lets them fall, acknowledging the empty moment overwhelming him. The loss of it is a living death. He shudders. Then he can’t stop shuddering. Ah shit, he thinks.  
  
“Jin, let me help you with your ether.”  
  
“No.” He fights for the words through the tears. “Don’t. I’ve been thinking about this the wrong way round. In the Architect’s so-called wisdom, blades were made not to look to each other were they? Only to their drivers! But can we not connect blade to blade, as equals? You’ve been drawing ether from me, but the only time I tried passing the ether flow to you was through the affinity thread during the fight when we had to rescue Mikhail.”  
  
Malos nods in comprehension.  
  
Embarrassment crosses Jin’s face. “Erm Malos, your core? Do you think? It might help if I could see your crystal.’  
  
Malos starts to remove his breastplate, his fingers trembling slightly as he undoes the buckles. Jin is almost as shocked as he was the first time he saw the shattered core. The deep gape where the missing section should be looks obscene. Jin gulps, “Malos, how are you managing like this?”  
  
“It’s a wonder to me too.” Malos sounds suddenly weary.  
  
Jin holds out a hand and tries to cast a thread of affinity towards Malos’s crystal. A fragmented blue strand manifests and then sputters out. Jin’s shuddering becomes more pronounced. Malos looks at Jin, his grey eyes full of concern.  
  
“It’s ok, I can do this, I know this is answer, I’m certain of it.” As if to better concentrate he tosses the mane of silver hair out of his eyes and makes another attempt. This time the thread is stronger, and after a faltering few seconds, makes a connection with the dark blade’s core, all at once gaining coherence.  
  
Malos gasps. Neither of them had been prepared with how intense this would feel, creating direct affinity with another blade’s crystal proves devastatingly intimate. Malos closes his eyes, his head falling back for a moment, exhaling in shattered breaths. “Jin”, he whispers, “this is...exquisite!”  
  
Jin’s shuddering starts to calm and he finds that he is able to strengthen the affinity, aware that he can feel the familiar touch of another living being in his mind. Every part of his of blade makeup has been tearing at his insides for this feeling and now all at once, it is here.  
  
Malos gazes into the ice blade’s deep blue eyes and without breaking the thread, moves sit alongside him, wrapping a strong arm around Jin’s shoulder. Jin leans into the embrace and lifts his lovely head to kiss the dark blade’s mouth. As their lips meet, out of the corner of his eye Jin can see that the slender thread of affinity has changed from blue to a bright shining gold. For the first time since Lora died, Jin feels the sweetness of bonded connection, momentarily obliterating all his pain and loss.  
  
“How are you doing this?” Jin whispers.  
  
“I’m not doing it. It’s all you Jin, all you.”  
  
He leans into the kiss, letting the affinity get stronger and allowing the warm feeling of bliss and Malos’s arms, to gather him in. 


End file.
